So apparently there now was a Superboy? Kal-el did start getting his powers at or before puberty? And he did hang out with the LSH in his early days? How many complete retcons does this make now? 5? 6? 7?

The Legion was one of the first books I read starting somewhere before issue 200, and I kept at it through some of the bad times (Legionnaires, anime-art) right through Legion Lost, after which point I just completely lost the plot and was never able to pick it up again.

One of the two biggest problems with superhero comic books is the refusal to let old characters move on. Peter Parker started out as a senior in high school in 1962 and he’s now maybe 25? 28? When Bendis started Ultimate Spider-man, he planned to age parker one year per hundred issues (about eight years of real time) but even that proved to be too fast. Superman was 28 for frickin forever, but now maybe comes in about 35? Batman’s much the same.

The Legion was interesting because, for a while there, they actually grew up, and not all that much slower than their readership did. The early Legion from Adventure Comics I’d place at maybe 13-15, and then a little older as the series progress. The Superboy and the LSH series were maybe college age. Keith Giffen moved the Legion into their mid-20s in a deliberate effort to introduce Jim Shooter’s adult legion; and after the five year gap I think they’re in their early 30s. At that point, though, the creators rebelled and reintroduce a legion of child-aged clones, and the series spiraled down from there.

When Lee, Kirby, and Ditko reinvented the superhero in the early 60s, they did it by focusing as much on the character as on the action and plot. Unfortunately this only went so far. They’d invent the character but then freeze them in time. That may work for a novel, but not for a 40-year+ ongoing series. At Comic-con this year I heard a creator complain that one of the only two significant developments in Peter Parker’s life since being bitten by a radioactive spider, his marriage, was a mistake because it changed the nature of the character. Dude, I have news for you: 40+ years of teen angst and insecurity gets boring. His marriage was one of the few interesting developments in Spider-man lore in the last 20 years. But wouldn’t you know it? J. Michael Straczynski just managed to magically write the Parkers’ marriage out of existence! (at which point I gave up on Spider-man too. I have no interest in revisiting the same tired stories I first read 30 years ago. I mean, really, how many times can Spider-man fight the Enforcers in an amusement park anyway?)

From the mid-eighties to the early 90′s D.C. was actually getting interesting again. Characters were changing and growing up. Perhaps starting with the deaths of Supergirl and Barry Allen in Crisis on Infinite Earths, you began to realize that these folks wouldn’t last forever. John Byrne turned Superman from a cartoon into a character, and eliminated Krypto, Superboy, 17 different colors of Kryptonite, and every other plot device that had been used to cover up 40 years of bad writing. A few years later Batman and Superman both got knocked off at about the same time. Green Arrow died a little earlier. Hal Jordan, who was showing a little gray by then, took a little longer to go, but when he did it was interesting. Most importantly it showed a developing character.

All of this cleared the stage for the next generation: Nightwing, Azrael, the new Green Arrow, Kyle Rayner, Wally West, Steel, the Cyborg Superman, the Eliminator Superman, and more. Some of these worked better than others–I never quite understood the point of Azrael myself–but at least they were new and different. Unfortunately that didn’t last very long.

OK, I suppose I never really expected D.C. to let Superman stay dead or Batman stay crippled; but really, couldn’t Oliver Queen have stayed dead? I mean, he was blown up in a mid-air explosion witnessed by Superman himself, and later seen in heaven for Christ’s sake! If that isn’t enough to keep a character dead, what is? It actually wasn’t completely implausible (by comic book logic) to resurrect Hal Jordan as the new Spectre; but was it really necessary to absolve him of all blame for the Parallax disaster? And then return him to the same old costume, powers, and personality that were played out by 1982?

I’m picking on D.C. here but Marvel’s far from exempt. (Heroes Reborn anyone?) This is what really sucks about mainstream superhero comic books. You know that no matter what happens, it never really matters. Stop reading and come back in ten years, and all the characters will still be there, bashing the same bad guys, and making the same tired quips. It’s just a bad soap opera that doesn’t have to worry about the actors aging.

Of course I could only be talking about Hellboy II.

(Yes, I know there was some other big comic book movie opening last night with some dude with ears and a cape, but the lines for that looked a little long. )

I vaguely remember the first Hellboy movie as mildly amusing, but I couldn’t tell you what happened in it or why. But Hellboy II. Wow. This was a stunning movie, especially visually. Guillermo del Toro is to the movies what Julie Taymor is to live theater. The vision and creativity on display in the characters, costumes, and sets and even plot just made it apparent how boring and repetitive most superhero movies are.

Sci-fi, fantasy, and comic book movies have really gotten stuck in a rut for the last 20 years. You’d think CGI would have enabled directors to realize more of their visions, but instead it’s only made clear just how limited those visions are. Superhero comic books have grown by leaps and bounds over the last 20 years (Watchmen, Dark Knight Returns, Swamp Thing, Powers, The Authority, Sandman) but movies mostly haven’t followed. The special effects are better, but there’s nothing in Superman Returns, Iron Man, or The Incredible Hulk that couldn’t have been written in 1968.

By all means see Hellboy II on the big screen. It deserves it. Don’t worry if you missed the first movie. The sequel stands on its own. But whatever you do, see it.

Warning: spoilers follow:

• Electra
• Spiderwoman
• Jarvis
• Blackbolt
• Hank Pym
• Jarvis
• Dum Dum Dugan

Based on Bendis’s “shaky resurrection story” idea, here are some other likely candidates:

• Captain Marvel
• Aunt May
• Iron Fist
• Hellcat (haven’t noticed her anywhere for a while)
• Magneto
• Colossus
• Norman Osborn
• In fact, pretty much any supervillain you care to name
• Ben Parker (the clone, not Uncle Ben) but he’s dead again now
• Green Arrow (wait, wrong company)

Of course the real problem with this story (and every other major universe shattering event–Civil War, World War Hulk, Annihilation, etc.) is that nothing can be allowed to seriously affect a major, profitable, movie-worthy character. All the confirmed Skrulls are minor, irrelevant characters who’ve never been able to keep0 a book going on their own. That’s how we know Tony Stark isn’t a Skrull (with the sole possible exception if the real Tony Stark is not dead, but in cold storage somewhere to be resurrected later.)

This was incredible. It was like reading a TV episode, and one of the better episodes too. I gave up on the Buffy comics years ago because while occasionally amusing, they never came close to reproducing the wonder, humor, and excitement that was the show. Even the earlier Whedon written comics like the Fray miniseries just didn’t measure up. I just chalked it up to characters not making the transition between media. (I’ve never really liked Batman on the big screen either.)

But apparently all they needed was the right writer and a chance to write in continuity rather than off. I’m not sure if Dark Horse can keep the magic going after Whedon hands over the writing around issue 6, but for now this is an absolute must have for all Buffy fans.

And now a few spoiler-free questions and comments to whet your appetite:

When did she start carrying a gun?

I always knew there was something wrong with that episode.

Xander is not Nick Fury.

I knew Joss liked Kitty Pryde, but Rahne Sinclair?

Those boots can’t really belong to who they look like they belong to, can they?

I always wondered what Buffy would think of the Patriot Act.

Michelle Trachtenberg outgrew Sarah Michelle Geller by Season 7, but this is just ridiculous.

I knew it when they said “cheese”.

• If you don’t see the body, they aren’t dead.

• If you do see the body, they’ll come back to life.

• Only Uncle Ben stays dead.